The Insomniac

Still plagued by insomnia, at least until about 6:00 a.m., then I can go to sleep usually. I don't know how to get off this schedule, and Lunesta really doesn't help me any. I could try to go to bed earlier, but then I feel as though I haven't even had time to do anything at all during the day. And there is so much to do.
I miss my son so much, but I hardly ever write and tell him so. Isn't funny that I can think about him constantly, yet not feel the need to write him? It's strange to love someone so much but not need to be in constant communication. I would have never let so much time pass when he was little. I even used to send him postcards when he went to visit his father for a few weeks in the summer.
It's funny how much I'm changing, how anti-social (generally) I'm becoming. It's as though the small town outside the confines of my own property doesn't really exist for me. I'm in my house or yard or I'm out of town. Basically I guess I'm a high-tech hermit!


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Ho-Hum

I am so totally sleep-deprived I could scream! Plus, I've got a strained rotator cuff, and boy does it hurt. The Dr. gave me what should be good drugs: a muscle relaxer and a pain pill, but they don't seem to be doing that much for me.
The house is still stuffed with furniture and one thing that I cannot do, even with the sliders (to go under the feet of the furniture) is move furniture or much of anything else. Which brings me to the cat litter. It needs changing so badly, but will DH change it? NO, NO, NO! I tried to change one, and did JUST but hurt my shoulder badly doing so. AAAaaargh. Why can't cats flush?
We need to get one of those automatic kitty litter boxes, but no way my DH is going to shell out the 300.00 for it no matter how convenient and/or clean it would be.
Despite everything, I've been in a good mood. My website needs to be totally re-done, groan. I wish I'd known last year what I know this year about html and SEO.
I am going to customize my closet too - although just with those built ins that you can get at Lowe's. If we don't enjoy the money that we have now and the pleasures, I don't know when we think that we're going to. There are things that you do get too old for. They simply don't mean as much to you as they would have 20 years ago. So glad I went ahead and got the pool.
I'm ready for Spring and for the warm summer sun, and for my son to come home from Europe.
However, after sweating all last week it turned cold again. The cats are feeling it!
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Ho-Hum

I am so totally sleep-deprived I could scream! Plus, I've got a strained rotator cuff, and boy does it hurt. The Dr. gave me what should be good drugs: a muscle relaxer and a pain pill, but they don't seem to be doing that much for me.
The house is still stuffed with furniture and one thing that I cannot do, even with the sliders (to go under the feet of the furniture) is move furniture or much of anything else. Which brings me to the cat litter. It needs changing so badly, but will DH change it? NO, NO, NO! I tried to change one, and did JUST but hurt my shoulder badly doing so. AAAaaargh. Why can't cats flush?
We need to get one of those automatic kitty litter boxes, but no way my DH is going to shell out the 300.00 for it no matter how convenient and/or clean it would be.
Despite everything, I've been in a good mood. My website needs to be totally re-done, groan. I wish I'd known last year what I know this year about html and SEO.
I am going to customize my closet too - although just with those built ins that you can get at Lowe's. If we don't enjoy the money that we have now and the pleasures, I don't know when we think that we're going to. There are things that you do get too old for. They simply don't mean as much to you as they would have 20 years ago. So glad I went ahead and got the pool.
I'm ready for Spring and for the warm summer sun, and for my son to come home from Europe.
However, after sweating all last week it turned cold again. The cats are feeling it!

Regarding Happiness: An Open Letter To My Nephew

Well sometimes you are so much like me that I worry, but it turned out all right for me and it will for you too. I have been an insomniac since the age of 6 (!!) and I don't recommend it although it served me well in college and grad school because I could study late at night when others couldn't.
There is a kind of selfishness that is okay - it is the kind of selfishness that causes you to want the best outcome and this selfishness, while it sometimes seems as though it is not good, can be, because it causes you to strive and wanting the best outcome crosses over into your moral sense - you want the best outcome for everyone as well as yourself - and the "best outcome" starts to mean something in a universal sense, not just a tiny little individual thing for you. And by the way, real happiness always spreads out into the world when you feel it; it is not a tight little ball that stays inside you and does not affect anyone else.
Aristotle said that happiness was always a byproduct: you are hungry + you eat good food = happiness; you feel bad + you get better = happiness; you work hard + you get money for what you need or want = happiness.
I also think personally that happiness comes in increments, a little at a time and adds up so that someday we realize that we have so many increments that we are happy much of the time. I also believe in karma, of course. And as for insignificance, I understand that too and always felt exactly the same way - I felt that I needed a sort of inferiority feeling to make me keep trying to acheive. But I was wrong about that (of course, I didn't know because I learned about happiness so much later in life); I've found that being happy and being "content" or satisfied with many things in my life did not keep me from striving but actually meant that I had the confidence that made it easier for me to succeed in my endeavors. However, that came later, maybe I did need the drive of insignificance to make me strive when I was young.
One thing is different; I had no one who cared about me or what happened to me. At your age, I was on my own and my parents didn't even know where I lived (I was in another town)or care enough to find out. You have many who are rooting for your success. Your parents provide for you; next year I will start giving you a monthly allowance. You are loved so much. Bask in the warmth of our love while you are having insomnia, doubts, struggles, while you are making choices, trying to find the path you want to take in life. That is what college is for; that is why we want you to be there. You will find yourself, but in your own time, on your own terms, and I guarantee that while you and I can nearly drown in the depths of depression, we are capable of great, and I mean great, happiness. This happiness is a happiness that will transcend yourself and make you even happier because it will allow you to see the world for what it is , accept it, and wallow in the beauty and joy of it, and accept the misery that is in the world with equaniminity.
I didn't mean to make this so long, but I identify so strongly with you that it is impossible for me not write; you probably think that I surely can't, but I can assure you that I do to the extent that one is able to know another person's feelings.
By the way, when people suffer it can cause them to become embittered or compassionate. Guess who ends up happy in the long run? I will say this: those who become compassionate do not continue to suffer; those who become embittered do.
Love you lots and lots and lots and lots....

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EEEEEEEEEEkkkkk! From a Lawyer's Wife

Okay, my husband makes a good living, and that does make me happy since I don't have the job that I did - and don't want to have it.
So don't think that I'm ungrateful. And this is not totally at lawyers per se. (I guess).

Join me in a collective scream the next time a commercial comes on about how to find mesothelioma lawyers. Please just scream as loud as you can so that you don't hear their names, and you don't have to hear about mesothelioma and how it's caused by asbestos or whatever the hell. Now don't think that I don't have sympathy for those who have this disease, but please!!!
Why don't the mesothelioma lawyers just come on and say, "Hey, if you have a relative who has died of mesothelioma, we'll sue the bastards and give you almost two-thirds of what we win for you. This will be a win situation for everyone!" (Except, of course , for the poor guy who is dead of mesothelioma.)
Next {I'm so sick of this it could be terminal ] has got to be the commercials advertising auto insurance. At first, some of them were cute. No more.
Ask me if I want to hear about auto insurance quotes 25 times a day, every day. Ask me if I care about auto insurance quotes! (Hey, one thing about having an attorney for a husband is that he does take care of the insurance!)

I won't even go into the home equity loans, you know, the thing about mortgages where you refinance your house?
And knowing about life insurance is something that when I want to know about it I will call a life insurance salesman. (Which I have done, by the way; why would you buy this from a number on television?) And burial insurance is just plain morbid. I wish I didn't know that when you die Social Security only pays a 250.00 death benefit. Hmmm, there are 2 interesting words: death benefit.
The funny thing though is that I have a wonderful memory, but I cannot really remember the names of any of these advertisers except one, and that is only because of the little talking animal. So what are these people actually accomplishing besides boring me silly, wasting their money, and making some ad execs rich?
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