Well sometimes you are so much like me that I worry, but it turned out all right for me and it will for you too. I have been an insomniac since the age of 6 (!!) and I don't recommend it although it served me well in college and grad school because I could study late at night when others couldn't.
There is a kind of selfishness that is okay - it is the kind of selfishness that causes you to want the best outcome and this selfishness, while it sometimes seems as though it is not good, can be, because it causes you to strive and wanting the best outcome crosses over into your moral sense - you want the best outcome for everyone as well as yourself - and the "best outcome" starts to mean something in a universal sense, not just a tiny little individual thing for you. And by the way, real happiness always spreads out into the world when you feel it; it is not a tight little ball that stays inside you and does not affect anyone else.
Aristotle said that happiness was always a byproduct: you are hungry + you eat good food = happiness; you feel bad + you get better = happiness; you work hard + you get money for what you need or want = happiness.
I also think personally that happiness comes in increments, a little at a time and adds up so that someday we realize that we have so many increments that we are happy much of the time. I also believe in karma, of course. And as for insignificance, I understand that too and always felt exactly the same way - I felt that I needed a sort of inferiority feeling to make me keep trying to acheive. But I was wrong about that (of course, I didn't know because I learned about happiness so much later in life); I've found that being happy and being "content" or satisfied with many things in my life did not keep me from striving but actually meant that I had the confidence that made it easier for me to succeed in my endeavors. However, that came later, maybe I did need the drive of insignificance to make me strive when I was young.
One thing is different; I had no one who cared about me or what happened to me. At your age, I was on my own and my parents didn't even know where I lived (I was in another town)or care enough to find out. You have many who are rooting for your success. Your parents provide for you; next year I will start giving you a monthly allowance. You are loved so much. Bask in the warmth of our love while you are having insomnia, doubts, struggles, while you are making choices, trying to find the path you want to take in life. That is what college is for; that is why we want you to be there. You will find yourself, but in your own time, on your own terms, and I guarantee that while you and I can nearly drown in the depths of depression, we are capable of great, and I mean great, happiness. This happiness is a happiness that will transcend yourself and make you even happier because it will allow you to see the world for what it is , accept it, and wallow in the beauty and joy of it, and accept the misery that is in the world with equaniminity.
I didn't mean to make this so long, but I identify so strongly with you that it is impossible for me not write; you probably think that I surely can't, but I can assure you that I do to the extent that one is able to know another person's feelings.
By the way, when people suffer it can cause them to become embittered or compassionate. Guess who ends up happy in the long run? I will say this: those who become compassionate do not continue to suffer; those who become embittered do.
Love you lots and lots and lots and lots....
Life's Enigmas life personal college happiness education karma morality Aristotle
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